2014

2013 has been the year i have fallen the most, cried like hell yet the tears do not want to stop, faced endless problems and finally I realised that i had to wake up from my fairytales because there is a reason why they have an ending too. However, I still believe 2013 was one of the most interesting year of my life because it made me find myself back each time. I discovered that if some people can break your trust a thousand times and be toxic to you, there is always others who will help you and be there for you. Whether it is family or friendship, there are people will always love you unconditionally after you did so much mistakes and hurt them unwillingly.

This year, no matter how stormy it was, made me more courageous and stronger each time to assume my mistakes and faced them all. Running away by just disappearing like a foam is what we all dream of because facing them is often what seems impossible. The path to being strong and courageous is indeed very difficult and we feel lonelier each single day with no more hope of believing that things will get better. However, things can be a little better if we stop focusing on the pain and enjoy the little things we always had with the people who will always love us.

I may have realised it late but i learned how to appreciate my family struggling everyday to make me happy and comfortable with my life and studies. My mum who is always strong just to protect us from the bad of this world. My friends who no matter how bad the situation is make there best just to see me smile and for all of us to spend precious moments we won't ever get back. My siblings with whom i may not talk for months but who are always there when we need the best advice.

When i think about how long and difficult this year was i smile now because i know that without the pain and tears i would not have been that strong. I am also happy that i was able to found myself back. For long during this year, i was changing in a very negative way and i was stopping to believe in my dreams. Nevertheless, by finding myself back i realised that being positive i all i need to be and my dreams is what makes me so special and differentiate me from others.

People are always going to leave because we will need space to welcome new ones. Life is suppose to be difficult if its not it means we are not living it well. Our attitude to face the different situations of life is what makes us stronger or not. Mistakes are meant to happen otherwise we will never learn. Acknowledging, assuming and facing them is the real struggle, and it is different for everyone. No one can help us if we do not want to help us.

I am grateful 2013 made me realised all this and i am happy that i experienced all this too because it helped me realised little things i would have never realised otherwise. 2014 is going to be a new year with even more challenges to face. Serious decisions will have to be taken. Therefore, i pray for it to help me muster lots of courage to face them all. I also wish that 2014 ends with my smile still being my biggest strength.

A New Beginning

Starting everything all over again is different for everyone. Everyone has their own reason of moving on and a different perspective of seeing it too. For me its letting go of all the pain by forgiving, not trusting again but just forgiving. 

I believe that without forgiveness we cannot have a brand new start as the pain will just be something we will try to escape from. Forgiving means getting the strength to face the bitter truth and accept it before moving on. By doing so we are sure not to fall down again for the same reason but on the contrary to get up stronger. Moreover, we would have learned from the pain and tears and know what mistake not to repeat in the future. It's an experience that will help to grow into someone better. Also, it is a way of making peace  with your past to live better today.

A new beginning is a choice that is difficult to make as it requires us to really want to accept a change and the consequences. It is easier to keep playing the hurt victim and repeating the same mistakes all over again but this also make us weaker each time.  People say time is the best healer but i believe time does not heal any pain it just make us get used to it. To heal our pain, we should choose willingly to accept it and assume all the consequences. 

No matter how many people will be there to help, we are the only one who will know our real pain and suffering. Therefore, we should gather our strength to fight our own battle alone. It may be more challenging but then the result will only be what we truly wanted and thus, we will be more satisfied. Afterall, it is only our life, not someone else playground to control it for us.

Disappearing

When life gives you lemon and it gets bitter and only bitter every single day, would it not have been better just disappearing from this world. Did anyone ever wonder if it would even make a difference to people if you were to disappear or we all just like lost stars in the giant sky, making no difference if a single dot was no more there. Words, words and words. Everything going out from every person's mouth right now seems just like words. Meaningless words. Being strong and patient is what we need, but can the pain just wipe away like a foam? How on earth can we even fix ourselves when we do not even have the power to muster courage anymore? How can we face up our problems when we do not want to acknowledge them? 

Life, it sucks so much at times that we feel so weak and do not even want to find the courage to get up and start all over again. 

Life an everyday struggle but still you can find happiness even through the pain.

We have already reach the last month of this year and thinking of how things have changed through the last year, how time have passed or of all the things that happened, no more matters anymore.

 It is true that a lot happened and i have been through a lot. I have changed from being that little drama girl who used to believe in fairytales to a more mature young lady through all those experiences. Yes, i call it all experiences. Bad or good, they have made me who i am today.

 Many blame people, circumstances or time for things that made us cry and become weak. However, i will call it a choice. I still strongly believe that it is always what we really want that happened. Life is not easy, now i know. Sometimes, you give everything to that one person who you never want to lose and losing him is what happened. Other times, you lose that one friend who you always thought would stand by your side at your worst because that friend understood you more than anyone else. Then, there is always the time when u become paranoid because you do not want to lose that one person, because u can feel it when he is sick but still he does not tell u about it. All these things make us feel so bad about ourselves that we most of the time have no more hope of getting up and this is actually where everyone is always wrong.

When there is no more hope and where things are ending, is actually where there is a new beginning. Starting all over with the changes is nothing to be afraid of as afterall we are humans and falling down is a must to learn how to get up again. It is true getting a hand to help you get up from someone special is an awesome feeling but getting up alone brings a different feeling. At first, we will feel lonelier each day will get tougher and we will fall asleep with tears in the eyes. Then, will come the day when we will realise that those pain would never go neither will the things that we did or happened be erased. But our attitude towards everything can change. Instead of blaming our fate or people, we can learn to live to be better.

At first, i wanted to be back to whom i used to be and it took me time to realise that i won't ever be back to that girl. The truth may be bitter but it won't change. It does not mean either that i will keep doing the same things all over again. It means that i will be better. As i said earlier it's a choice. People are always going to judge and rank you. Instead of fearing, now i face it. I now give a damn about what people think of me, just like it was their choice to be in my life if they do not want to be anymore it their choice.

The year is ending and i am laughing more everyday. I never felt so alive before. Still, it does not mean that i have stopped crying but it means that i learnt how to smile through tears and how to appreciate the little things of life. Everything is a gift. Hardship made me lost people but it also made me found new ones. At times, it is good to open yourself to strangers and choose to trust them. It is also good to make the first step towards someone we do not know to make new friends. These risks can prove to be very meaningful later on. That stranger can become a loving friend that makes you laugh endlessly and everyone else is jealous of. That makes you forget your whole surrounding n just be happy being yourself for the moment. Life is short when we are enjoying it and having memorable times but it is also very long when you spend it waiting for that one person to decide to make you his priority because besides waiting we cannot do anything else.

Therefore, i choose to make life short and enjoy each single moment laughing a maximum. Hope and waiting can always be in the heart. It does not mean i give up, i won't ever specially on people i love even if they give up on themselves but it means i will live fully waiting. True love, well i am only 20 and i still have to get to know what it means really. But the moments you spend with your family, friends and doing little things for yourself. Reconstructing your own life by only finding yourself a little more each single day, doing simple things, which were once so difficult, alone, achieving to make someone you care so much smile by a little action, taking risks by feeling the fear and excitement at the same times and most importantly making your smile so contagious that everyone smile or feel happy just by seeing you, is the little things that makes life so beautiful. This is true happiness and finding it and keeping it is only and only our choice.

Smile even if your smile does not fit and make it a choice to be happy through pain and tears :)